these have been strangely missing

i miss sunsets. i used to always make a point to be there, no matter where i am, to say goodbye to the day and to stand amaze at God’s masterpiece of a sunset. i miss the silence and the calm of being alone and yet not alone.

now days pass into nights without notice. the pale glow of the monitor has replaced the sun.

i miss the heart to heart conversations across the table, beside each other on benches, on a banig in a field, on that metal box, on a mountain, beside a campfire. now we keep in touch and make friends through typed words on instant messengers and cell phones. while they are well and good for convenience and occassional posterity, i miss the friendly intimacy of being able to reach out for a pat on the shoulder, to witness that subtle twitch under the eye, and breathing in the same silence when there are simply no words anymore.

there’s just not enough time anymore. we cram our friends together in one date. we watch that movie we want to see, “catch up” over dinner, and go home.

i miss singing in the choir. i realized this when we sang for my sister’s wedding march. i miss how every alto note makes beautiful sense, fitting snuggly somewhere between the soprano and tenor and bass notes. of savoring every word of the song. i miss singing with my friends, the discipline and commitment for practices and the relief when the piece is done.

now i forget practices, i don’t know where the choir gown has gone to. there’s just no time.

i miss climbing trees. yes, i’m 27. my friends told me back then that i was too old to be climbing trees and i was 14. but i still love finding handholds and footholds hidden on the bark and branches, the effort of pulling myself up and finding myself securely and comfortably nestled between the leaves and branches.

but they have built a mall over the last tree i had climbed, and i haven’t found another tree since.

i’m living in today, and i see it curled up in front of me. another day of laboring for words and sentences people pay good money for. another day of news of our so-called leaders asking details about who paid for whose dinner, was it kidnapping or not, did he really say our president is evil. and stop calling that man a hero. another day of bus and trucks and jeepneys and traffic.

too much of the real world has invaded mine.

Rushing and racing and running in circles
Moving so fast I’m forgetting my purpose
Blur of the traffic is sending me spinning
I’m getting nowhere
(Emily Rossum, “Slow Me Down”)

yes. it’s emo wednesday.