just like old times

i’ve been blogging on my multiply site more these days and just copy-pasting it here. this blog is my real hiding place– where only a few people can see– if they know where to find me. my multiply blog is really written with the public in mind, and i really miss writing just for the sake of it. hence, i’m blogging here and not posting it anywhere else.

matt had asked me a while ago, “so how are you?” and i couldn’t answer the simple question. i really didn’t want to go to the old default, “i’m good”  or the usual “i’m ok. just tired.” it really got me into thinking– am i really good and ok and tired? yes. yes. yes. and then some.

right now, i guess you can say that i’m getting over getting over him. yep, there was a him– some time in recent memory. and yes, i am over him. it was a conscious effort to speed things up because i really couldn’t afford to mope around for as long as i usually take to get over a guy. and now that i’m over that, i have to get over getting over that, because, for crying out loud, i really do have to move on to other things. enough with the questioning of my motives, enough looking over my shoulder to see if he’s there watching, enough of telling myself that it’s amazing how much the memory doesn’t hurt at all anymore.

but never enough of thanking God for the grace to emerge from this latest misadventure relatively unscathed and noticeably stronger and wiser(?).

how am i? i’m tired. still lazy at times but have more discipline now to drag my ass off the bed and shuffle off to do what i have to do.
how am i? i’m grateful.  i’m grateful that my heart can’t control my feet, but it has to go wherever the feet takes it. if my heart had its way, i would have just had my head buried under the pillow until it’s safe to come out. i’m learning to count my blessings and seeing them as more than just blessings– but more of confirmations to the questions i cry out to God in helplessness.

how am i? stronger– and possibly wiser. i have to be– from all the lessons learned the hard way. now i’m learning that those lessons were paid for with the high price of experience because they are the ones that need to be taught the most. they are the arsenal in my teaching kit, and even ice breakers.

so… good but still not as good as God intended me to be. but i have faith that i’m getting there. one can’t shake the Creator off when He’s busy working on you. He’ll be faithful to complete that work He’s started, in me– and in you.