I Want

“what do you want?” i’ve been asking this question to myself for the past few days.

“what do you really want?” that’s the question that’s been haunting me since i’ve graduated college. not “what now?” or “what next?” because before graduation, i’ve been doing every thing that i had wanted, and when it was all over, i didn’t know what i want to do next.

ask me what i want in a guy, and i wouldn’t know. of course, i would say the usual stuff like– a Christian, has good genes (AKA good-looking, smart), gets along with my friends, etc. and those who already  knew me back then, you know that i didn’t exactly choose the one with all of the above qualities. heh

ask me what job i want, and i would rattle off all the jobs that i don’t want. and i would vaguely say, “i want to be a writer.” i guess, this is why i’ve never stayed in a regular job for too long and always fall back to freelancing. because i want to be free to do what i want, when i finally find it.

ask me what i want to be– before, i would say with all conviction, “i want to be a writer.” but now that i’m a writer, i find writing as the hardest thing to do in the world for me– next to brain surgery. and before i left for my sabbatical, i was ready to throw in the towel and just go for any other job other than write.

i want everything and nothing. i can give you a long list of all the stuff that would be really good to have, but when you ask me to choose, i would just shrug, anything would do.

the list is being steadily whittled down to a manageable size. i’ll keep on trimming it down until it becomes one thing, and everything else pales next to it. my one passion. my “one magnificent obsession”.

and perhaps then, i’ll finally get around to cleaning up my room.