not home yet

ok, so i’ve been here in the west coast for over a month now. next month, we’ll be flying off the east coast for a whole new set of adventures, albeit only for a week. here, in a suite at the mirage (courtesy of my cousin jon), i sit at the dining room table, with background music provided by two snoring men (my tito leo and ivan amargo), i reflect on the things that had happened so far in the few weeks i’ve been on my own.

first thing’s first: for sure, i know i love my family. i missed them while i was apart from them, but when we got together we are always bickering over the smallest things. we have a weird kind of relationship. it’s not the touchy-demonstrative kind (although we do have some moments). it’s like walking on a tightrope knowing that there’s a net down below to catch us when we fall (we always know we would). there’s the tension of keeping the balance between familiarity and civility, but also the security of knowing that even when we do fail to keep our balance, our love for each other is still there. this is the longest time i’ve been with my family (and it’s just us girls and my mom) 24/7 and it’s hard to keep the juan-women sauciness in check when we’re around other people and each other over an extended period of time. i think i love my family more in the more conventional kind of way when i’m apart from them. hehe

it’s great meeting new people who had no preconceived notions about me because of my family and other stuff (well, maybe only on the stuff based on what matt had said about me– but i never asked what he had told them). doing random things and going to random places. i guess the only thing that i didn’t like what being at the mercy of other people’s kindnesses 24/7 (although they were very kind– too kind that i often find myself wishing i didn’t have to bother them and take too much of their rest and sleeping time just so i could go around), i wish i had a car to drive myself around. well, i did take the bus a couple of times… i got so used to doing stuff on my own, that it’s weird having to call people just so i can go shopping or go to the beach, or even get home from whatever place i found myself in (special mention to my five main drivers: jon, lola luz, matt, rodney and ali). it’s a very humbling experience.

i really enjoyed being by myself, and i really need those times when to be alone. the quiet times when i was the only one in the house at cerritos, and the few alone times in san diego that i could get away with. it was great hanging out with friends every.single.day. but there are really times when i wished that we could slow down, stop in one place long enough to even breathe a prayer to God for how beautiful His creation is. or just to rest our minds. to just be quiet. at one point, i just stopped talking (barbara called me antisocial, but it’s true). i realized that i am a loner masquerading as a friendly and sociable person. i can only be around so many people for so much time. but i’m ok with that. hahaha

i’ve been reading the Bible more and writing in my journal lately. and the most important revelations are still found in His Word. while my spiritual high has finally plateaued, it’s good to find discipline taking the helm. i don’t want to preempt anything, but i know that things are going to change drastically soon. i have to start hauling ass if i want to keep up. Dear Lord, make me brave.

Anyway, i’m still in the process of posting pictures. there are a lot of them. i miss home and everyone and everything in it. but until then, i’ll keep on going.