redeeming the days

i tend to view my depression as a sickness that comes and goes– much like the flu. it’s not always about something that’s emotional or connected to something that happened to me. i haven’t been depressed for nearly six months, i think, then it hit me again and lasted for more than a few days.

i guess something did happen to set it off, old demons and lies resurfaced to haunt and torment me again. i tried not to listen, but they were just too loud and too real for me. i tried shooing them away like flies buzzing over my head. i did everything that i can in my power to get rid of them. i prayed and cried, i read the Bible, grabbed on to old promises and found new ones.
i know these things that were making depressed were lies but, like flies swarming all over me, i couldn’t ignore them. i talked to my friends about my struggles. i wrote about it in feverish bursts (some of them even made it to the blog– notice i’ve been posting a lot these days?). i went out everyday so i wouldn’t have to deal with it. but still, i’d wake up feeling as bad or worse than the day before.

yesterday was the worst. i woke up feeling horrible and i went about my work like a zombie about to burst into tears. when my sisters and mom left and i was alone in the house, the full force of my depression hit me. i nearly dropped the laptop as i scrambled to pray. and i just let it go, i sobbed and whimpered my prayer out to God. “I don’t want to handle this anymore. I don’t want to deal with this anymore. I’m giving up.” i ran to the bathroom (so ate mina wouldn’t hear me) and sat there– crying, pounding on the walls, pleading to God to make the sadness go away. I’ve run out of things to do about my depression–short of getting medication. i just had to let go and fall. God can catch me or let me fall to the bottom. but i knew that in one way or another, i’ll end up right back in His arms again. i wonder why i didn’t do this earlier.

it was raining outside and i had to the get the car from my lola’s house. i thought that it was just funny how the rain mimicked how hard i cried. i stepped out into the rain with my umbrella and immediately started feeling better. my feet are wet and the sky was dark, but it felt like the sun had finally start to shine again. i splashed over the puddles with a smile and got into my car.

after teaching mic our third to the last lesson. i decided what to do with the rest of my day. i didn’t want to stay indoors anymore because i might just start getting depressed again. i wanted to shop, but that would cost me a lot of money, so i decided to go for a run. i haven’t ran for the whole summer and i knew i needed the endorphins. i went to Angelus memorial gardens. the rain had stopped just an hour ago and the streets were already dry. there were hardly any people there– just the gardeners and a girl sitting under a tree. the sight of her made me grin because even if i never did approach her, i knew that she’s a kindred spirit.

it was great to be outside. the sky was blue– dappled by white clouds and a few spots of gray. a cool breeze was on my face as i sprinted around past the mausoleums and dodged the random dog. just being outside made my heart soar. but it started drizzling again so i had to go home.

when i got home, sherie was just about to leave for her cell group. on an impulse, i stopped her at the gate and asked if i could join her cell. i didn’t have one of my own and i was just craving for some company. so we drove through rain and traffic to the Fort and met up with her friends, who took me in like i was one of their own.

it was a good evening. i ate more lechon than what was healthy for me, and we got to talk about visions, men, names and dreams. but the best part about it was when we prayed for each other. as ange said afterwards, “ibang klase talaga pagsinumbong ka ng Holy Spirit.” it was so true. i just met these girls (ange, liz, and jen) and while i did admit that i had been depressed for a few days now, they knew exactly what to pray for me and for each other. it was a long prayer time and it felt great– listening to the Holy Spirit’s revelations about what to pray for each girl. it was sweet.

on the way home, i thought about the other days i had been depressed and noticed that yes, at the end of each day, God sent a circumstance, a friend, or a random something to make it better. and He always did that, even before, when depressions were more frequent.

and now i know how to deal with them– just let it go and trust that God redeems each day no matter how bad it gets.

p.s. no more depression today!

Praise the Lord.