i don’t know anymore

 

atrophy

I am fading into the woodwork
Just when I’ve worked so hard
To see and be seen
Be known and to know.

I am turning into a ghost
And I am afraid of myself
Of what I am becoming
Because I can’t stop it.

My hands are tied
And I can feel myself
Giving in to the tide,
Letting the waters
Rise over my head

And just sleep.

(21 June 2004)

i’m trying not to regret the past. i guess that’s one lesson that i’ll be keeping from him. fighting back the bad memories with all that was good is something that could be easy if only i’d just let it.

but today, as i was hanging out with the people at creatives and conceptualizing a tv show that we’d all like to watch on local tv– i stopped and considered if i’m still a character that is worth a speaking part on our show.

hmm. no.

i can’t help it, but i miss my old self. sometimes i see traces of her as i skip from work in the wee hours of the morning, and while laughing out loud in the office. i used to dance my muppet dance in front of the cat when it’s just the two of us at home, but now all i do is hug him tight until he wriggles away from my neediness. i keep no more words to myself. it’s like all my personality is gone when i’m alone, and i don’t know what or who i am anymore.

of course, there’s no way i could go back to my old self. i’ve gone too far for that. i long to speak to the wind again, but i don’t know what to say anymore. for now, i just want to please. and just turn up the music to fill the void where my personality used to be.