“Fill my fond heart with God alone”

How happy is the blameless vestal’s lot!
The world forgetting, by the world forgot.
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!

- From “Eloisa to Abelard” by Alexander Pope

i wish i could tell you to your face that i often wish that i could erase you from my memory. that i had just went on in blissful ignorance of your existence. i wish that you had just kept on pining for her and never found out of my own existence. i wish that we never had to cross paths. i wish that i stuck to my word and stayed away when i had the chance. i wish that you’d just leave me alone. i wish i never gave my heart to you. i wish i could hate you.

then i wouldn’t have to panic at the mere mention of your name, or just at the thought of bumping into you wherever i go. then i could still go where i want to go without the fear of seeing you. without being afraid of all the memories that comes with your name.
i wish i could hate you. but i can’t, so maybe by staying away, i could exorcise you out of my life. then maybe, just maybe, i’ll be as fine as i was before you came in.